The mustard trick 2.0

When I did study abroad in Ecuador in 2009 we were warned that thieves in Quito had been know to spray mustard (or another staining substance) on the back on a tourists pants. The same thief, or an accomplice, would then come up to you and point out the mustard and tell you that they knew of a place where you could clean it off. If you went with them, they would get you away from other people and then rob you.

Once in 2009 I was walking through the Historic Center in Quito with a friend. That day in particular I was especially nervous since I had my laptop in my backpack, something I rarely took out of the house. A man came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. He pointed at the back of my pants. I looked and saw mustard down my right pant leg. He told me he knew of a place where I could clean my pants. I started to follow him out of instinct, but then I remembered the warning we had all been given about this exact situation. I turned around and walked away in the other direction with my friend.

Fast forward to 2012...

I arrived in Quito with a friend this morning (we took a night bus last night) and after dropping our stuff off at a hostal I took off to walk around the city (my friend had to stay at the hostal and do some work). I don't know what it is, but I just love walking down the narrow streets of the old town, seeing the different churches and squares. 12:30 rolled around and I started to make my way over to an indoor food market to meet a friend, who lives in Quito, for lunch.

I wasn't entirely sure where I was going so I would walk a couple of blocks and then check the map in the Lonely Planet. That's how I ended up at a random street corner about 8 blocks from the heart of the Old Town. I was looking down at the map when a guy to my left caught my eye.

"You want to go that way," he said while he pointed towards the center of the Old Town.

I ignored him and started to turn my attention back to... SPLAT.

A brown substance was all over my shirt.

'How do I have dulce de leche (think caramel) on my shirt...' I thought.

Another man came up to me. He pointed to the balcony above me and said, "You need to move."

I just stood there in shock, trying to figure out what had just happened. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, but what was really only a second or two, my brain started to work again.

'There is no way this came from the balcony. I need to get out of here'

I turned to my left and walked through a door and into a shop.. That's when the smell hit me. Whatever was on my shirt smelled horrible. I mean, terrible.

I asked the gentleman in the shop if I could use the bathroom. He warned me that the people outside were trying to rob me and then kindly pointed me in the direction of the bathroom.

As I walked into the bathroom, the truth finally dawned on me. It wasn't mustard this time. It wasn't ducle de leche. I was feces (pretty sure it came from a human too). I was furious.

'Rob me. Push me. Punch me. But this?!?' I didn't want to believe it.

Luckily I had another shirt in my backpack. And the thieves didn't get anything of mine. But, it had gotten on my shirt, pants, shoes, backpack and guide book.

T-shirt went in the trash. Pants and backpack got a good scrub with detergent at the hotel. Shoes.. We'll it's just a spot. And I haven't looked at the guidebook yet. I just put it under the bed telling myself I'd deal with it later.

No pictures this time... You don't want picture of this. I was trying to figure out why I got so hungry around 5 pm. And then I realized.. the smell had killed my appetite at lunch. I had tried to eat, but couldn't.

DEAR CRIMINALS OF THE WORLD,
THERE ARE SOME LINES THAT SHOULDN'T BE CROSSED. EVEN IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO ROB ME!!!
SINCERELY,
ME, HUMANITY, HUMAN DECENCY

When I finally left the store bathroom and stepped onto the street I swore loud enough to startle a man 5 or so feet away. You should all know me well enough to know that it takes a lot to get me to that point.

The picture that really is worth a thousand words

Just in case you didn´t believe me, here is the picture from the day I went down to the river with my friends. Quick recap.. A couple of friends of mine (foreigners) who live in Quito were passing through Cuenca and we decided to go hang out by the river before we went to get ice cream (stressful day, tell me about it!). There we were, sitting by the river, when one of the guys said, ¨Guys, you´re not going to believe this. Look behind you.¨ We looked behind us and there was a guy standing by the main path just staring down at us. In no way was he trying to pretend that he was doing something else. He was just staring at us. When we looked, he stepped behind a tree, but stuck his head out and kept staring at us for a good 10 minutes. HOW CAN I NOT FEEL LIKE A ZOO ANIMAL SOME DAYS!?!?!?

Just a side note.. Even though this picture looks creepy and we probably would have ran for it if we had been in a remote area, we were 50 feet from one of the busiest streets in the city!

Do you play racketball?

I'll be honest. Making Ecuadorian friends here, real friends and not the type you talk to only when you randomly bump into them, can be a challenge. Some people wonder why... Here I am; tall, white and blond. Shouldn't that make it easy? Well, there's a big difference between getting attention and making friends.

Getting attention:
- I was walking along the edge of a park the other day and I head someone shout, "Gringo!". I knew it was intended for me.. There were no other foreigners in this part of town. Seriously. I looked around. Spotted. A teenage kind was sticking his head out of the second floor window of a nearby house. "Gringo!". I guess the show he had been watching had just gone to commercial break. Was he going to become a lifelong friend? Doubtful.

- Last week I was walking by another park (maybe this is a pattern...) and two kids shouted, "hello!". This always puts a smile on my face and I responded with, "hello". Two steps later and I heard, "you want to be my romantic friend?" Again, these were two young teenage boys. My smile turned into a laugh. I shook my head and kept walking. Should I have offered to teach them English? Why bother!! It sounds like they're already learning plenty from tv and music.

- Last week I meet up with some other foreigners that live in Quito but that were passing through Cuenca. We decided it would be nice to go hang out by the river. I was sitting with my back to the road when one of my friends started staring at a tree about 20 feet behind us. "Guys check this out...", he said and nodded in the direction of the tree. Not being subtle at all, we all turned around to look. A guy had was just standing next to the tree staring at us. Not pretending to be doing anything, not pretending to be staring at something else. Just staring at us. When we all turned around he stepped behind the tree. Seconds later his head popped out and he continued staring at us. Should we have gotten his number? Sadly, he left before we were able to even say hello.

So, when someone who actually seems nice and interesting (if the above tales are any indication, the bar might not actually be that high) asks you if you want to do something, you stop saying "no". Even if (1) it doesn't sound that interesting or (2) it's something that you are clueless about. So, when one of my classes ended recently one of my students came up to me:

"Mike, do you play racketball?"

"Of course I do!"
I've only played it once before, but I know how to play squash and tennis

"Mike, can you teach me to play racketball?"

"Definitely!"
I remember most of the rules from the one time I played...